Put down the nog. Let in the dog. Delay your spouse's jog. Buy a mask for the smog. Alert the press in Prague. Because the eagerly awaited list of Top Ten Comedic News Stories of the Year has finally arrived. It truly is ... the most wonderful time of the year.
But first, a word of caution: These stories are not be confused with the Top Ten Legitimate News Stories of 2017. No. No. No. They are as dissimilar as Ruth Bader Ginsburg and strip poker. Like aluminum snow shovels and chocolate lava cakes. Oxblood wing-tips and tufted wrestling mats.
These are the events that most lent themselves to jocularity. The ones with a comedic angle. You will find no mention of snipers, Nazis, hurricanes, wildfires, terrorism, Democrats or sexual assaults. Those may have been major occurrences during the past year, but in terms of mockability, not a match. So, here they are: The Top Ten Comedic News Stories of 2017.
10. SEAN SPICER. Donald Trump's proxy punching bag. I kept waiting for him to show up at a press briefing with his tie around his forehead and a knife clenched in his teeth sputtering "Who wants a piece of me?" He resigned in order to spend more time lying to his family.
9. SECRETARY OF STATE REX TILLERSON. He refuses to deny he called the president a moron, becoming the new hero of millions. Afterwards the president challenged him to an IQ test even though it is not a slam dunk he could spell IQ if you spotted him the I.
8. INAUGURATION. The 45th president called it the most well-attended inaugural in the history of ever, despite photographic evidence to the extreme contrary. I'm still amazed he put his hand on the Bible and it didn't burst into flames.
7. PRESIDENT FEUDS WITH NORTH KOREA. Imminent nuclear warfare is usually not that amusing. Hopefully this schoolyard tussle between two grown adolescents with weird hair and daddy issues is not the beginning of the sequel to Dr. Strangelove. Every day without a mushroom cloud has to be counted as a victory.
6. ANTHONY SCARAMUCCI. For 10 wonderful days, this train wreck with the name of a 16th commedia dell'arte villain spun out of control like a gyroscope through four magnetic fields on its path to a black hole.
5. RUSSIAN PROBES. Attorney General Jefferson Beauregard Sessions III says the reason he keeps giving different answers to congressional committees is because he remembers more whenever he learns there is evidence.
4. DONALD TRUMP JR. The Fredo of the Trump Crime Family. He's going to make us an offer we can't understand.
3. SPECIAL PROSECUTOR. Robert Mueller was appointed in middle of May, which means in four short months, Donald Trump went from zero to Nixon.
2. PRESIDENT FEUDS WITH NFL. Tweeted 24 times about players not standing for national anthem and not once about the ongoing humanitarian crisis in Puerto Rico. That's leadership like two bottles of Jagermeister are dinner.
1. PRESIDENT DONALD TRUMP. The man has single handedly done for political comedy what legalized marijuana did for Cheetos. George W. Bush may have been a Wheel of Fortune president in a Jeopardy world, but Donald Trump looks to be more of a Chutes & Ladders kind of a guy.
Will Durst is an award-winning, nationally acclaimed columnist, comic and former sod farmer in New Berlin, Wisconsin.