Neck Massager

Looking for a miracle, I recently ordered the Shiatsu Kneading Massager.

A couple days ago, I ordered the FIVE Star FS8801 Deep Tissue 3D Kneading Shiatsu Neck, Shoulder, Back, Leg and Foot Massager Pillow with Heat, Beige. It was $43.29 all in. I wasn’t expecting a miracle but when you have a stiff neck, you’ll pay for a miracle, if a miracle is available.

I have a stiff neck. I am not alone. With most people, their necks are stiffer than King Tut’s.

Necks are magnets for tension. Money problems— neck. Handyman doesn’t show up— neck. Have to sing a song in front of 300 people at the Crystal Palace — neck.

People with stiff necks are desperate. They’ll try anything and when anything doesn’t work, they’ll try anything else.

Recently, I ordered some CBD oil on the recommendation of a friend.

“You ought to try this stuff,” Paul said. “My wife bought it and I think it gave me some relief.”

I ordered a bottle of CANN I BE (a fool) from Perfectly Posh. It cost $120, contained one fluid ounce and was the color of tobacco juice. The label read “Made in the USA with globally sourced materials.”

It also said, “Vegan.” If the oil worked, I would consider becoming one. If not, I was back to eating things with eyes.

The vial came with an eye dropper. I dribbled some on my neck and quickly rubbed it in before it ran down my back and into my lower extremities. Some of the oil made it anyway because not only is my neck stiff, but my arms are not flexible enough to make a quick move behind me.

My neck smelled like mint and marijuana. Globally sourced mint and marijuana. The sort a vegan might warm to.

Before buying the CBD oil and ordering the FIVE Star FS8801 Deep Tissue 3D Kneading Shiatsu Neck, Shoulder, Back, Leg and Foot Massager Pillow with Heat in Beige, I had bought every kind of pillow imaginable. Neck roll pillow, down pillow, firm pillow, foam pillow, smart pillow, the last-pillow-you’ll-ever-buy pillow. I even bought one at the fair and when you buy a pillow at the fair, you are desperate.

I have a closet full of pillows. If I had the money I’ve spent on pillows, I could buy a farm, grow hemp and hang myself. I mention hanging myself not to endorse suicide but if I did, it would solve the stiff neck problem.

I’ve tried meditation but I’m not good at meditation. I feel like a fraud when I’m meditating. Rather than trying to gently move my attention from my neck to a fluffy cloud, why don’t I just open my eyes, stop pretending that I am meditating and get on with my day?

There were 1,501 reviews for the Deep Tissue 3D Kneading Shiatsu Neck, Shoulder, Back, Leg and Foot Massager Pillow with Heat, Beige. The reviews were telling and the reasons for buying the product tended to blame spouses:

“I recommend to anyone who suffers from a lazy husband who won't give shoulder massages.”

“Sure giving massages are fantastic when you're a newlywed but after 10 years, dang my hands hurt and I've other stuff to do. My wife loves it however... maybe too much... She just took it on a vacation to Cancun, and left me here -- hey wait. Maybe I should lose the power supply and just start giving massages again.”

The Shiatsu Kneading Massager with Heat arrived two days ago. In order to use it, you have to drape it around your neck and then place your hands through a couple of straps. The massager looks complicated and as if it might require some basic intelligence as well as flexibility. That could take a miracle.

Herb Benham is a columnist for the Bakersfield Californian and can be reached at hbenham@bakersfield.com or (661) 395-7279.

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