And you thought NBA free agency was expensive?

A Chinese bidder using the pseudonym Super Duper put up $1.9 million to land ... a Belgian-bred racing pigeon named New Kim.

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Headlines

— At Fark.com: "Watch DeAndre Hopkins make the catch of the year on a last-second Hail Mary to win the game for Arizona. Is it possible to fire Bill O'Brien again?"

— At TheOnion.com: "Parents cheer as 8-year-old son chokes out opponent in UFC Jr. League match."

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Shooting Guard Dept.

Cavaliers guard Kevin Porter Jr. was arrested on a gun charge in Ohio after he crashed his car and investigating officers discovered a loaded firearm inside.

Apparently he was on his way to the morning shoot-around.

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And ... he's out

Mets second baseman Robinson Cano has been suspended for the entire 2021 season after his second positive PED test in three years.

MLB officials knew something was amiss when scouts clocked Cano running to first base in 2.5 seconds.

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2020 version

Some sports terms, updated for 2020:

— "Playing .500 ball": Completing as many games as you've had canceled by COVID.

— "Grabbing the facemask": What you'd better do if you want to get into Costco.

— "We sent a message today": Practice was once again replaced by a Zoom call.

— "Defense wins championships": Costco rules apply to athletes, too.

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You make the call

Ty Fryfogle: Indiana wide receiver or Dr. Seuss character?

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Pass the turkeys

Tryptophan might not be the only thing putting you to sleep on Thanksgiving Day.

The first two games in the NFL's Turkey Day lineup? Texans (4-5) at Lions (2-7) and Washington (2-7) at Dallas (2-7).

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Gator hunting

Will Muschamp, who succeeded Steve Spurrier as South Carolina football coach, was fired last week.

The Gamecocks immediately vowed to hire the next-best ex-Florida coach available.

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Running to paydirt

Muschamp has landed roughly $20 million in combined buyouts after getting fired by both Florida and South Carolina.

Or, to invoke a football cliche, he's got a lot of green in front of him.

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Sports quiz

The No. 19 who made the biggest impact in pro-football history was:

a) Unitas

b) Alworth

c) COVID

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Name game

The Memphis Zoo has named its new infant giraffe Ja Raffe in honor of Grizzlies guard Ja Morant.

"Anybody need a name for a baby gator?" asked Alec Burks.

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Mich. congeniality

Kelly Stafford, the wife of Lions QB Matthew Stafford, apologized for calling Michigan "like a dictatorship" because of its COVID-19 restrictions.

Guess it's a good thing hubby never had to play for Vince Lombardi.

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Take Saturday off

Nearly 80 college-football games since Aug. 26 have been canceled or postponed because of COVID-19.

Or as they'd spin it in NFL circles, down by contact.

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Talking the talk

— Steelers QB and Miami of Ohio product Ben Roethlisberger, to reporters, after coach Mike Tomlin said 9-0 Pittsburgh playing the 1-8 Jaguars is "not a Big Ten team playing a MAC opponent": "I'll get him back, don't worry. I have to figure out what conference William & Mary (Tomlin's alma mater) is in, and we'll say something about that."

— Saints coach Sean Payton, joking on a Zoom call to reporters, when asked about QB Drew Brees' injury status: "No update. I'm eating a bagel. I was hoping to be chewing it when you asked."

— Ryan Brown of Birmingham's WJOX Radio, on the 5-5 Green Wave football team: "How has Tulane managed to play 10 games already? They been playing doubleheaders?"

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Another season, down the drain

Thursday, in case you missed it, was World Toilet Day.

No wonder all those Jets fans were flocking to Flushing Meadows.

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Quote marks

— Coastal Carolina football coach Jamey Chadwell, to WCIV-TV via Twitter, when asked about the corresponding vacancy at South Carolina: "Right now my wife's van has a brake light out. I'm focused on trying to fix it without getting her upset. I've got bigger issues to worry about."

— Janice Hough of LeftCoastSportsBabe.com, on college football trying to flail its way through a pandemic: "Maybe it's not just the players but NCAA powers-that-be we should be checking for concussions."

— @awfulannouncing, after Packers QB Aaron Rodgers says he has no interest in broadcasting after his playing days: "No word on whether or not he'd like to be an agent for State Farm."

— Jack Finarelli of SportsCurmudgeon.com, on the 1,348 yards of offense in North Carolina's 59-53 ACC football win Nov. 14: "To summarize the UNC-Wake Forest game in two words: 'Tackling optional.'"

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Splice of life

The NFL is investigating yet another an incident involving Buccaneers receiver Antonio Brown — in which police claim he destroyed a security camera at his gated community in Hollywood, Florida.

League officials declined comment until after they've pieced the film back together again.

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Quote, end quote

— Michael Cohen of The Boston Globe, via Twitter, on Kelly Stafford's "like a dictatorship" comment: "If Michigan was like a dictatorship, the state would have long ago taken over the Lions and disbanded the team."

— Blogger Chad Picasner, no fan of broadcasters' contrived language: "The Yankees haven't had a starter all season, but, according to David Cone, they have had 'Gerrit Cole on the bump.' "

— Scott Ostler of the San Francisco Chronicle, via Twitter, after Drew Brees exited with injured ribs vs. the 49ers: "At quarterback for Saints — who dat?"

— Dan Daly of ProFootballDaly.com, on President Trump's 1-31 record in election-related lawsuits: "Think of it this way: Chris Dudley shooting free throws with the wrong hand."

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(c)2020 The Seattle Times

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Copyright 2020 Tribune Content Agency.