Recognize this guy? If you do, be there for her
He's such an attentive guy. He's always right there by her side, taking her to work, picking her up afterward, even joining her for lunch. What a lucky lady to have such a dedicated significant other.
Unless, of course, she is not lucky at all, but in a prison without bars, living the harrowing existence of a victim of domestic violence.
Maybe you've met them. He's always around her, even in public, demanding her complete attention, arranging her schedule to suit his demands, cutting her off from family and longtime friends. He seems so friendly, but her worried family says they hardly ever see her anymore.
Maybe their relationship hasn't deteriorated into what we normally think of as abuse. He doesn't hit her, as far as anyone can tell, and he hasn't hurt her favorite pet. He hasn't started sharpening knives or cleaning his guns in front of her, glancing up periodically to give her that "look."
But he controls the checkbook, the credit cards, the schedule. He checks her cell-phone bill to see who she has been talking to, and he lingers nearby when she's conversing with others, an ear tilted in her direction. She dare not get home from an errand a moment later than promised, lest he explode with anger.
She sticks around because she doesn't see a viable alternative. She doesn't want to lose the kids, and she can't afford a lawyer. He's such a smooth talker, he could probably charm the judge into gaining full custody. He's so good at keeping her away from the outside world, and she wouldn't know where to look for help anyway, assuming she had the courage to make the call.
That's where you, her co-worker, come in. You, the parents of her child's classmate. You, her neighbor, her church acquaintance, her favorite grocery-store cashier, her hair stylist.
You know about domestic abuse, and you care enough to have posted the Alliance Against Family Violence and Sexual Assault number at your business: 800-273-7713.
You remind yourself that although many domestic violence cases are reported -- through the first nine months of 2009, the Kern County Sheriff's Department and Bakersfield Police Department have responded to a combined 5,400 calls and made a combined 2,300 arrests -- many thousands more undoubtedly go unreported.
So you get up the courage to ask. Naturally, she seems shocked, and she denies there's anything wrong. You laugh it off. But you make sure she understands you're serious.
When she finally does lay out the details, you listen and you make clear that you believe her. Because you know that domestic violence touches every part of society, every race, profession, economic class, sexual orientation and neighborhood -- even behind electronically monitored gates. And it happens in all directions, with the abuser sometimes being female.
You mention all of the resources at her disposal, including the National Domestic Violence Hotline (800-799-7233), the Greater Bakersfield Legal Assistance Domestic Violence Reduction Program (334-4673), and the Alliance Against Family Violence headquarters (322-0931), among others.
You tell her that she's not alone -- not this month, which is National Domestic Violence Awareness Month, and not ever.
