EVELYN YOUNG: A tragic lesson about domestic violence
Images
Funeral services are over. My family buried my grand-niece, Tabasha Paige-Criado, and her four children this past Saturday, killed in the ultimate act of domestic violence. Our pain and grief are unimaginable, unbearable, equaled only by our anger and shock.
Our saving grace these past two weeks has been the tremendous amount of work involved in planning a funeral for five. Keeping us in constant motion, it left little time to slow down enough to really think about or deal with what has happened. Now that our loved ones have been laid to rest, we must face and focus on the issue leading to their deaths.
I stated at the funeral that we forgive Jordan Criado, echoing the sentiments expressed by her brother, Jesse Adams, just after the tragedy. While not every family member is at that point and cannot yet reconcile these words, as Christians it is a place we must eventually reach.
I want to be clear, however. We do not forgive out of pious acceptance of the way they died. The truth is that we all, with every fiber of our being, want a piece of the coward who took our family from us. I have no doubt others feel the same. We forgive Jordan because our Christian faith compels us to do so. Just as Christ forgave and continues to forgive us when we are undeserving, so must we forgive, even when it is not asked for or deserved. We forgive so that, as Scripture states, we can be forgiven our sins as we forgive those who have sinned against us. We forgive so we can heal, so our anger and pain do not fester within.
I also shared at the funeral a promise I made to Tabasha -- that while we forgive Jordan, we will not be silent or complacent about the domestic violence that took her life. Our Christianity does not compel us to be docile. It does not compel us to be silent or unseen, and we won't.
Because Tabasha was not battered and had no physical bruises during her marriage, some naively think she was not a victim of domestic violence. But, domestic violence has many faces. Physical abuse is only one. While emotional abuse leaves no visible bruises, it wounds deeply, is as much domestic violence as is physical abuse, and its consequences are just as grave. These five deaths attest to that.
There were clear signs of Jordan's emotional abuse. Tabasha did not ignore or dismiss them. She just thought she could handle it herself and did not involve family. She did not tell us in a way that was plain. She did not speak up. We are left to do that for her -- to talk candidly about emotional abuse and domestic violence.
After they were married, Tabasha learned that Jordan had been convicted of and served time for crimes he committed against children. Despite the urging of her family, she stayed with him. She believed that, having served his time, he deserved a second chance. She believed that with a good wife who made a good, loving home, he would find redemption. She was wrong. Unless it has been thoroughly addressed, the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. Don't miss this sign.
Because her family wanted Tabasha to leave Jordan, he moved her and their then-only child from Bakersfield to Medford, Ore., to get her away from them. Alienation and isolation from family are other telltale signs. There might not be a physical move. The abuser might simply find something he dislikes about family members -- reasons he doesn't want them to visit the home or to visit theirs. Such action is to gain control.
By outward appearances, Jordan was a quiet, devoted husband and father. But what others thought was devotion was in fact oppressive control. Marriage is not a prison, and a husband is not a warden. Marriage is not a purchase, and a wife is not property to be owned. A wife is not a child to be directed.
To any woman who is being physically restricted, emotionally controlled or abused, or financially constrained to be controlled, this is abuse. Most importantly, if any woman reading these words feels unsafe or threatened, tell somebody -- a girlfriend, a relative, a pastor, a co-worker. Tabasha did not and it cost her life. Speak up. Speak out. Break the silence!
Evelyn Young, great-aunt of the late Tabasha Paige-Criado, is executive assistant to Cal State Bakersfield President Horace Mitchell.
