Jack Hernandez

Jack Hernandez


The small nation of Gunkirk reveres its traditions, especially the Declaration of Gun Dependence, which requires all of its citizens to bear arms in public to assure their safety. Known specifically as Own My Gun (OMG), this Declaration makes it unlawful to leave one’s home without either a handgun or rifle. All citizens, at 15, the age of accountability, must obey this sacred law.

The reasoning behind OMG is that if some can own guns, all must own them and bear them in public in order to defend against mass shootings. Thus, teachers and some students carry guns in school in their backpacks, religious leaders and congregations carry them to their places of worship, and doctors and nurses carry them in hospitals, including operating rooms.

Of course, some people shoot others in arguments over politics and religion, some over disputes about land and rent, some over who won in tennis, some over who bought the last drink, and some over girlfriends and boyfriends.

Yet, as the logic goes, all are much safer if all can pack guns in public.

Both political parties agree with this, if nothing else, and are supported by GAG, the Great Association of Guns, which contributes to their campaigns.

Thus guns are celebrated in public with gigantic bronze statues in every city center, on social media, and with, especially, the Gunkirk flag, which has silver bullets representing its states and a magnificent handgun in its red, white, and blue center.

Its national anthem is Gunkirk the Beautiful. Each year at midnight of the anniversary of the Declaration of Gun Dependence, all citizens fire their guns into the air, to the dismay of birds.

Occasionally, of course, some question OMG, but are quickly shushed and threatened with AR 15s. As a result, an underground gun resistant groups exist in the shadows, meeting at times in homes that do not display the usual gun artwork so prized by the nation and in out of the way graveyards.

Unfortunately, one such group was recently infiltrated by a Secret Gun Service agent, who has reported them to the Department of Gun Regulation, which exists to ensure that all citizens unquestionably obey OMG.

Fortunately, this group was tipped off and fled to the Gunkirk coast where it was rescued by a number of small boats sent by the nation of CommonSense, which believes that Gunkirk’s philosophy of arming everyone, young, old, and nearsighted, is weird, if not destructive.

Gunkirk’s reply was to send a drone to CommonSense, dropping pamphlets arguing that all people are created equal and, thus, should have the obligation to bear arms in public.

As they dropped from the sky, the citizens of CommonSense felt sadness for those of Gunkirk, who were so mired in daily violence, with no hope on the horizon.

Jack Hernandez of Bakersfield will retire in June as director of the Norman Levan Center of the Humanities at Bakersfield College, a position he held since the Center's inception in spring 2007. He is a professor emeritus of philosophy at BC. The opinions expressed are his own.