Valerie Schultz: You are not alone, say readers who have lost parents
| Friday, Aug 07 2009 06:37 PM
Last Updated Friday, Aug 07 2009 06:39 PM
I often get e-mails, and sometimes actual letters in the mail, replying to columns I have written. Some praise me, usually more than I deserve, for taking a minority position on a controversial issue. Some take me to task, also usually more than I deserve, for the same thing.
But the biggest flood of correspondence I have gotten, in seven years of writing for The Californian, has been in response to the columns I wrote this year about my dad's illness and death.
So many people know exactly what it is like to care for a loved one in an intensely physical way.
"I watched my husband cry after he and I changed his father's clothes, diaper, and bedding one day," wrote Debbie Zamora. "It was very difficult for him watching his father, who was always strong, relying on others to keep him clean. To me, it was an honor and a privilege to help in those last days. ... We help our parents complete the circle of life."
"I have been caring for my mother for the past 15 months," wrote Sheryl Alexander. "My mother lives with me and my husband ... It is so sad that there are not more resources in our community to help our elderly and fragile ... I just wanted to take a minute to let you know how much your story meant to me and to let you know that you are not alone."
"As one who has lost both my mom and dad in ways that required a lot of family caregiving," Kristie Coons wrote about her work as the coordinator for Kern County Library's series of programs for boomer-age children, especially one titled "Making Family Decisions with Aging Parents."
Liz Garcia, RN, offered advice on the benefits of hospice care: In caring for my dad at home, we "could have called out the hospice team for guidance, for emotional support, for medication management ... not to mention that hospice specializes in symptom management ... I know this article was not about hospice care, but hospice nursing is in my soul ..." My dad was on hospice care for only the last two days of his life, and the hospice team was indeed a source of comfort and information. I do wish we had connected with them sooner.
Kathleen Kress' father lost his long battle with cancer after consenting to hospice care only three days earlier. "During all of this," she wrote, "my mother cared for him in some of the ways you describe in your article, without complaint, with the patience of a saint. When we were growing up, she always told us there were two jobs she could never do: be a nurse, or be a teacher. But she provided my dad with the best possible care in his own home, and through this process she taught us all important lessons about compassion, commitment, and dignity."
"I was drawn into your emotional roller coaster," wrote Laurie Lopez. "My best friend's sister is dying with cancer and perhaps has a month left to live ... They are taking care of her in ways they never imagined. It's amazing to see the strength that God gives you when you least expect it." She later wrote that her friend's sister was "now dancing with the angels." She also reminded me, "Remember you are not alone."
According to Caroline O. Reid, "Life changes after parents die. But thank God for children and grandchildren. Thank God for friends. Thank God for parents who raised us to adjust to life as it is. Otherwise we would be mired down in grief . . . My dad died in 1997 and I still tear up in church when we sing a favorite hymn of his ..."
"Even though Dad has been gone for almost four years, the wounds are still open," wrote Linda Adams, "but writing was a great help in the healing process ..." After caring for her dad in her home, she shared that although her dad was not a demonstrative person, "he showed his love in other ways ... the experience of bringing him into our home will never be forgotten. I am humbled by the experience ..."
"I took care of my dad for five years ... it is difficult to switch roles," wrote Colleen Janes. "It's been 17 years now since he died and I only remember the good times, and know that I did my best by him."
Not everyone who wrote to me about my dad's death was a stranger. "Your family was truly blessed to have him as long as you did," wrote Debby Roush, a longtime Tehachapi friend. Jim Damian, formerly a student of my husband's, now a grown-up friend, touched my heart when he wrote, "Like your father, my grandfather, Al Damian, was a great patriarch of the family. The sentiments you wrote and the way you wrote them really touched me. This 33 year old, 6'4'', 250 lbs dude hasn't cried in a long, long time. But your loss and your tribute and the conjured memories of my own too-soon-departed hero left me in tears this morning."
Elizabeth Maynard and I share a special bond: "You see," she wrote, "this 4th of July was the first year anniversary of the loss of our dad. I can so relate to you ... I know that Daddy is in a better place and his worn body is no longer suffering -- so what can I tell you? Allow your grief to come -- allow yourself to experience it because from it comes healing. Know that there will be days when you want to crawl in a hole -- but always remember the good times."
"May the pain of loss be eased with time," wrote Richard Munro. "My father died September 27, 2003, and I still feel the loss ..." He shared that his father, like mine, listened to Richard Burton reading Thomas Hardy's poetry, was married for almost 60 years, and trained to be a teacher, "but spent his entire life (aside from five years in the Army during WWII) in finance." Mr. Munro added, "There will be much joy in remembrance ..."
A college friend wrote me to "be gentle with yourself in the coming months and years when the sad days come." I will try. The condolences I have received have been heartwarming and humbling. I am grateful that so many people took the time to reach out to me and my family, and so touched that they have been prompted to share their stories by my story.
"I don't know if I am hurting or helping by this e-mail," wrote Debbie Zamora. "My intent was only to say your article hit home with me. I could sense so much heartache in your article and just felt the need to write you."
She was definitely helping. As have you all. The sense of community in loss has been of great comfort. Thank you.
