VALERIE SCHULTZ: Daughter's marriage brings hope for all
| Friday, Jul 30 2010 10:51 AM
Last Updated Friday, Jul 30 2010 10:51 AM
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"Let me not to the marriage of true minds / Admit impediments . . . "
-- Sonnet 116, by William Shakespeare
"I wish this weekend would never end," said my youngest daughter. "I wish it could be like in 'Groundhog Day,' so we could live the same day over and over." I was a bit surprised by how fervently she seemed to be enjoying family time with her parents and three sisters. Then I realized that, since moving out of the nest and going to college, she has grown up.
The whole clan had gathered in Portland, Ore., for the wedding of one of our daughters. Time indeed flew as the bride-to-be put us all to work to help bring about the most artistic and classy wedding that has ever happened on a tight budget.
I use the term "wedding" loosely, since Oregon is not one of the few states in America in which my daughter and her partner are legally permitted to marry. They can register in Oregon as domestic partners, but this is an imperfect option that offers same-sex couples far fewer rights than heterosexual married people automatically gain, and no federal recognition of their status. Nevertheless, the couple had gotten engaged last year, and had chosen July 17 to pledge themselves to each other. In spirit, it was a wedding.
I was surprised to find hope for the future acceptance of same-sex weddings in the greeting card aisle of one store I visited: the cards advertised as "NEW!" addressed their heartfelt wishes to "the newlyweds," or "the happy couple," rather than the traditional "bride and groom." Hallmark markets a card especially for same-sex unions. While the demand for traditional cards will remain strong, the inclusion of all couples wishing to commit their lives to each other was refreshing.
The commitment ceremony that my daughter and her partner wrote was simple and elegant. Without the option of legal marriage, they wanted to avoid what they called "wedding lite": a pale and pathetic imitation of the real thing. Really, until they could legally marry, "there are no rules, Mom," my daughter said.
Accordingly, they opted for a series of nontraditional "toasts." Parents, members of the wedding party, and then guests would be invited to make a toast to the newly committed sweethearts. Lastly, the couple would toast each other.
The ceremony took place in the lovely backyard of my generous brother and sister-in-law, on an afternoon of gentle sun. Being a nervous public speaker, I wrote my toast down before giving it. Everyone else, however, toasted beautifully from the heart. I was moved by the frequency with which the friends and family of the couple alluded to witnessing the blossoming of each woman during the course of their falling in love. They had truly become who they were meant to be. As Gene Kelly sang in closing, after the covenant was sealed with a kiss, it was very clear: this love was here to stay.
I looked around at the loved ones attending this momentous occasion. Forming a living history of marriage, they were widows of long marriages, spouses who'd been married for decades, brand new parents, couples so recently wed that they were practically still on honeymoon, engaged lovers in the midst of planning their own weddings. Once you are married, you never attend a wedding without thinking of your own, and now my daughter had joined the ranks of the wedded. It was enough to make an emotional mother cry away her mascara.
My daughter's happiness gave her sisters a glimpse of the true bliss of finding one's soul mate. One of my daughters, who'd been pining recently for a boyfriend who had jilted her, later confessed her realization that the young man she thought she wanted back was actually not the perfect match she had imagined him to be. She said that her sister's transparent joy had lifted a weight from her, as she accepted that the romance she mourned was not in fact a healthy one. Her sister's shining face brought home that no one should ever settle for a relationship that was just OK, or even 'good enough.' Everyone deserves to be deliriously happy in love, and as graced as the wedded women my husband referred to as "the two happiest people on the planet."
There were those few family members whose consciences would not allow them to attend a gay wedding; who had not even had the courtesy to return the stamped RSVP card. Presumably they will keep their distance from my daughter and daughter-in-law in the future. Perhaps they feel that by not acknowledging the reality of a person's sexual orientation, they are setting the morally capsized world aright. I know my daughter was saddened by their silence. They chose to ignore the first wedding of our daughters' generation. I believe the loss is theirs.
Alas, the wonderful weekend ended. As we drove home, I thought about my daughter's wish for a fateful loop in time like Phil's, the challenged protagonist of "Groundhog Day."
In truth it is my fondest wish that I could spend more time with all of my daughters under one roof, or that the United States were a much more compact country for traveling.
Our family now has a well-loved new member, and we have again scattered to our respective homes. But our hearts remain together in a toast: To true love, wherever it blooms.
Valerie Schultz is a contributing columnist for The Californian. These are her opinions and do not necessarily reflect those of The Californian.
