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'To be one': Together for 25 years, Ray and Al to finally exchange vows

BY LOUIS MEDINA, Californian staff writer
e-mail lmedina@bakersfield.com | Friday, Jun 13 2008 4:55 PM

Last Updated: Monday, Jun 16 2008 8:55 AM

Raymond Rodriguez knew exactly what he wanted to give his partner, Al Steuart, on their first anniversary. So he hired a lawyer, went down to the Los Angeles County Courthouse and changed his last name to Al’s.

“Oh, I knew we were going to be together.” He was that sure of their love for each other.

“He didn’t even know I was doing it,” Ray said. “He cried.”

“Yeah. Most likely I did,” said Al, whom Ray describes as “a big teddy bear who can be a bear sometimes.”

Ray and Al Steuart, who are now 58 and 70, respectively, celebrated that first anniversary April 7, 1985. Still together after nearly 25 years, and domestic partners since 2001, the Wofford Heights couple plan to tie the knot Tuesday, the first day California will grant marriage licenses to same-sex couples following a landmark State Supreme Court ruling.

Al described their decision to get married as “mostly a political statement.”

“I believe it has something to do with civil rights,” he said.

“We’re people,” Ray said. “The only difference is in bed.”

'I CRY EVERY TIME I WATCH A GAY PRIDE PARADE'

The mid-1980s, when Al and Ray first got together, were trying times for gay men: The AIDS epidemic, which ravaged the gay community, was claiming lives across America.

Ray, who was born in New York City, has outlived most of his friends from that era. “I’ve got two old friends left,” he said. “My best friend just died two years ago. And my ex died from AIDS too. In 1983. And we were together for 12 years.”

There was also the constant stigma against gays in general with which to contend. Ray was fortunate in that his family was supportive of him — and still is.

“I was raised that your family is your family,” said Ray’s brother, Henry Rogers, 62. “And my brother’s choices are his choices, they’re not my choices. He’s gay and he’s my brother and I love him,” the heavy equipment operator from Orange County said.

Al had a rockier time with his family.

Originally from Tampa, Fla., Al came out to his family in the mid-1970s, he said, while he was living in Evansville, Ind. “Pretty emotional” is how he described the experience.

“My dad was already dead and that’s probably a good thing,” the retired educator and former Methodist minister said with a chuckle. “I don’t think he would have been very accepting.

“My mother always said she loved me no matter what,” he said. Two of his three sisters accepted his homosexuality. He can’t be sure about the third, from whom he is estranged.

Al had been married for 16 years and divorced long before he came to California to get away from what he called “the discrimination in Florida against gays.” He has children who are in their 40s, he said. He has lost contact with his daughter. His son, who is married in Louisiana, communicates with him mostly by e-mail.

“I cry every time I watch a gay pride parade,” he said. “I just get very emotional. Just seeing all the gay people after having lived for years and years, probably more than half of my life, denying my homosexuality, it’s just a great experience to see both male and female gay couples expressing their love for each other.”

But Ray and Al themselves are conservative with their public displays of affection, limiting them to a kiss goodbye before one of them takes off in the car, and that, only sometimes. “Whoever sees us, sees us,” Ray said.

Hand-holding is limited to gay pride events where they feel safe, they said.

'HE'S NEVER CHEATED ON ME'

Both remember their first meeting pretty much the same way: a chance encounter at a Los Angeles bar that isn’t there anymore called the Manhandler.

“I think I approached him,” Ray said.

“I was probably flirting with him even if I didn’t approach him,” Al recalled. “I liked his looks and I liked his personality.”

But there was a problem: Al was attached.

“If you ever break up, call me,” Ray told him.

A few months later, Al did.

They started dating.

“Talking and going out, you realize there’s something there, you know, workable,” said Ray, who is a retired jack-of-all-trades, having worked as a hairdresser, receptionist, florist, bar tender and lab technician.

“You can tell he wasn’t someone who would be looking all over the place,” he said of Al. “He’s never cheated on me.”

Al describes Ray as his companion, a man with a good disposition who is a joker, artistic, and who “makes friends much easier than I do.”

“He likes cooking,” he said. “And you can tell that by the size of my belly.”

“We think of them when we think of a long-term couple,” said Whitney Weddell, chairwoman of Bakersfield LGBTQ, a local gay advocacy group. She said Al and Ray have participated in LGBTQ events from time to time. “They’re wonderful,” she said.

“They’ve been together without the benefits and validation of society and government and that’s evidence that they love each other,” said Sheila Roth, chairwoman of Bakersfield PFLAG (Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays).

“These are the kinds of men who we wish would come to PFLAG meetings on a regular basis,” she said, to give younger gays and their parents and other family members a good example.

“They’ve always gotten along. There’s no difference between them and another married couple, except that they’re males,” Ray’s brother said. “They have things that a lot of people wish they had as far as their relationship.”

THE BIG DAY

Despite the bigotry of some, Al believes there is a growing acceptance of gay couples in American society.

“People act like it’s something that popped out of the blue,” Ray’s brother, Henry, said. “Homosexuality has been around since man has walked the earth.”

Al is the treasurer of the homestead property owners association of the Wofford Heights tract where he and Ray have lived since 2005. They’ve owned their property for more than 15 years.

“None of my neighbors have ever said anything derogatory and they know we’re a gay couple,” Al said. “I attend the board meetings every month,” he said. “There’s total acceptance.”

Still, getting married is important, Ray said, “because we love each other and it will change things ... and it’s the opportunity to do it. To be one. Even if we already are one. It will be even stronger.”

They have a 9:10 a.m. appointment at the county clerk’s office Tuesday.

“We didn’t really plan anything because it’s short timing,” Ray said, referring to the California Supreme Court’s ruling May 15 to overturn a voter-approved ban on gay marriage. The ruling was followed by an announcement June 4 that the court would not stay its decision to begin awarding marriage licenses to gay couples.

“We’ll plan something later on. But that day, no, we’ll just get married and go out to dinner. Something like that,” he said, laughing. “After 25 years, we’ll go out to dinner.”