HERB BENHAM: Not to sound desperate, but please invite us
| Thursday, Feb 04 2010 05:26 PM
Last Updated Thursday, Feb 04 2010 05:26 PM
A friend is turning 60. There's a lot of that going around. I'm glad I haven't caught the disease.
We didn't know it was his 60th until a friend told us. She had been invited to the party. It seemed a given that we would have been invited too.
"Are you going to ______'s 60th birthday party?" this friend asked.
Are we going to his party? No, we're not. We're not going because we have not yet been invited.
Surely there must be some mistake. That's your first thought. An oversight, a page in the address book that floated behind the desk. Mail. Who can trust mail. Letters sent across town arrive years later via Cape Horn.
"They sent a nice e-mail last week," she said. "You mean you didn't get it?"
No, we didn't. Now she was pouring it on. She was going and we would be huddled over bowls of gruel at home in the darkness.
Why, oh, why? What happened? One day in, the next day out.
My wife is almost incapable of bad conduct; however, I am not. Had I said something? Done something? I had in the past made disparaging remarks about the size of their dog as it related to the price they paid for it. For that much money, you'd think you'd get more dog.
Maybe they had spoken to their neighbor to whose house we had been invited years ago. I hadn't acquitted myself well.
"He doesn't say much, does he?" the hostess remarked later to a friend.
Guests are expected to speak. Unless they can do magic tricks, conversation is how a guest earns dinner and a repeat invitation.
I've improved. I speak now. Sometimes it is almost a full paragraph.
The party approached. The invitation did not. What to do.
Do nothing or be impudent? If we did nothing, world peace would not be enhanced. If we reached out, it may have seemed that we were trying to go back-door on an invitation.
I sent an e-mail to the birthday boy's charming wife who was organizing the party.
"Dear ____,
"Given my behavior over the last 55 years, it would be hard to imagine exceeding my bursts of rudeness and breaches of etiquette, but it's possible this e-mail may set a new low.
"In other words, please forgive me before I begin.
"Your husband is celebrating his 60th. I understand there is a party in the works. Invitations have been tendered and perhaps accepted. This is a joyous occasion.
"No, I am not trying to chum my way onto the guest list. However, if somehow we were meant to be invited and were not, we hope you don't think we're rude if we don't RSVP.
"Certainly things happen and decisions must be made. It is possible that I have said or done something to offend. If so, accept my apologies.
"It is also possible that no room is large enough to house all of your husband's friends. I understand this too. We can go broke celebrating birthdays (especially when our friends do not pay).
"Whatever the reason, I do believe in addressing any potential future awkwardness. Regardless of how rude I have been in the last six paragraphs, I (we) remain fond of you.
"Sincerely,
Herb III
Later that afternoon, the hostess called. She was surprised. We had been sent an e-mail and already been factored into the seating arrangements.
I take back everything I said about your dog. He has a big heart that surely must have something to do with the largess of his owners.
